How to cook an old scrubber
Enter the loofah, that coarse wiry thing that hangs somewhere in the bathroom,
and sometimes gets used for back scrubbing.
Mine has a wooden handle, and used to hang off the window hook at a bit of an angle
because of the short string.
From time to time when my back felt particularly reptilian, I would remember to grab it
and start see-sawing it across my back to pry off the scales.
When I was a kiddie, we used to have a long Phallic loofah that laid nonchalantly around
the bathtub – threatening quick dippers with its unknown potential.
For me, that was the loofah.
They do have other uses.
One, apparently, is for sexual fantasies and envisaged by Fox TV show executives.
Wikipedia makes reference to this seemingly innocent dried gourd skeleton in the Bill O'Reilly harassment suit
"Mackris produced quotations from phone conversations between herself and O’Reilly in which
he suggested various sexual fantasies he had for her.
A widely publicized portion of one conversation included a scenario where O'Reilly would
massage her with a loofah in the shower. At one point during the conversation, O'Reilly referred
to the loofah as "the falafel thing." "Falafel" eventually became a short-hand reference to the affair."
That use is probably more interesting to the casual reader than my loofah gourd recipe. Each to his or her own.
Broadminded though I definitely am, I find it difficult to become aroused over the
inclusion of any type of loofah in my sexual repertoire.
Perhaps that's my loss, or maybe I'm just getting old. In my culinary repertoire however, it has definitely found a place.
Loofah is a type of gourd, but every time I hear 'gourd' I think of that scene from Monty Python's
"Life of Brian"
As for loofah, the ones you find in shops for bathroom use are a bit like me… old, past their prime,
and allowed to hang on their vine and die, drying out to expose their dry fibrous interior.
The young ones however, are a bit like zucchini.
You can slice them and fry them up in a similar way.
This recipe was actually done with bamboo and glass noodles after what you see below.
Also good, but I was really getting into just eating the loofah part out of the wok as cooked below. Awesome.
Stir-fried loofah with pork
1 Loofah, sliced thinly
200g Finely chopped pork fillet (or could use chicken, or onion if vegetarian)
20g Chillies, fresh, chopped
50ml Oyster sauce, Thai Maekrua brand
1 Pinch Black pepper, freshly crushed
First wash, then chop up your young loofah.
Slice the chillies also. To taste.
Slice the pork thinly. If you have a less tender cut, it can be chopped or coarsely minced
Heat a wok or frying pan.
Add a little oil, and when smoking, add the pork. Stir-fry 1 minute until just coloured and
sexy, then add and stir-fry the loofah and chilli, still over high heat.
It should make a loud sizzling sound the whole time, just like my lily-white skin during an
hour in the midday sun. If it doesn't, then the wok isn't hot enough.
We want to stir-fry it all at high heat for about 2-3 minutes until almost cooked.
Next, add the oyster sauce. About 1 tablespoon for this amount of pork, loofah and chilli.
Season with a liberal sprinkle of freshly crushed/ground black peppercorns.
Eat it with rice, or just as is.